Today I am going to be posting about how it feels to have depression. I am going to be describing based on my experience and how I went through it. So how does it feel to have depression?
Its very bad!
Depression, one of the worst feelings anyone can have. It could range from mild to severe. Sometimes you could feel really bad, meanwhile if you have/had severe depression you would know what I am talking about. It literally one of the worst physiological pain I went through.
How it felt like
It felt like torture, not physically but mentally. It is such a bad feeling that not many people can comprehend. Theres a feeling of hopelessness all the time. There was this overwhelming feeling of immensely negative energy thats just pulling me down, if feels like you have someone telling you in your ear “you suck, you can’t amount to anything” all the freaking time! I really didn’t like it at all. Its like you are the only one in this world, like you are different from everyone else (in a bad way ). You think that your life sucks, and you try to find something negative in every situation to compensate the way you feel, although it does sound stupid….but due to the fact that I had low self esteem, it didn’t really matter to me at that time. I didn’t feel like going any where, I just wanted to stay inside of the house. My desires and ambitions to do anything and everything were very little to none.
It changed the way I viewed people
Everyone at that time was my enemy (or at least I felt like that). I felt that everyone in this world didn’t want to be my friend, or didn’t care about me. So since I felt that way, I didn’t care much about anyone else either. It sounds sounds like a contradiction, since in order to change things I needed to change my self, but I didn’t care. I saw people as heartless beings who were looking to prey on the weak, looking to anything in their might to get some sort of power, even if it was bad. I also felt like a lot of people wanted to take advantage of me, and they did, which was bad. I was shy too, so that made it worse.
How I viewed my self
This was by far the biggest problem I had to go through. I had an extremely low sense of self worth, which made me feel like crap. I felt like I wasn’t worth more than a piece of dust. Sometimes I would go on FB and post negative posts on how I feel about myself in public to see if theres anybody out there that would understand what I was going through. There were certain people that would tell me what a good person I was and other positive stuff, but that did not effect me at all. There was no love energy inside, only despair and some hate within myself. There was humiliation and shame all around me.
Going through this impacted my school performance negatively. There would be some days when I would skip school entirely, I didn’t study at all when I got home. The only thing I would do is make believe that I was doing homework, which in reality I wasn’t (for the most part). My motivation (let alone dedication) for school dropped dramatically. When my report cards would come up I would be scared to show my parents due to the lack of good grades. When my parents would wanted to find out what my grades were ( which they did eventually ) I would tell them the school hasn’t given it to me, or I don’t have it yet. When they found out they were furious! Some of my grades were literally 20% on each class, so yea there were VERY bad! BTW it wasn’t only my performance in school that I was struggling at.
Struggling to make friends
This was one of the things that impacted me on the deepest level. OMG it makes me cringe overtime I think about this. I literally had no friends whatsoever! It was horrible, I would literally have very little people, if not no one to talk to and it was littarely driving me crazy, especially when this lasted my entire 4 years in high school.